Sunday, May 11, 2008

confessions of a frustrated artist

it's just one of those days again...

i find myself glancing at the shelf where my paintbrushes and watercolors are kept. Unused. Untouched. As if they were left there by mistake by some stranger. how did it all come down to this? why do i find it to difficult to pick up where i left off?

i've been thinking about my life lately. here i am stuck in a job i don't even like. it's so's making my teeth hurt.
if when i resign, i'd probably land a job in the hospital, being a nurse and all that. i'll find myself trudging down the path to financial stability as others might call it. and i just know it won't be my cup of tea. i cant imagine letting my life drag by as one monotonous routine. i want something dynamic-- where going to work is exciting because you don't know what's in store for you, where you control time and you are your own boss, where work is not work because you love what your doing. anybody would have figured it out by now...being in the medical field wasn't my choice. for a moment in time, i believed i was being a decent human being by making a decision based on the cliche "parents know best."

if i only stood up for myself and took a risk... so what if that art world is competitive, right? so what if it's unstable and erratic? life is always full of surprises, but that's what makes it exciting. that's what makes it worth living in the first place. besides, i've always been one who strive for the best. i know somehow, in one way or another i'd make it.

i've had a chat with maxine a few months back with regards to this and she asked me a question that made me stop in my tracks. our call center lingo would refer to it as dead air.

"why aren't you taking this opportunity to at least join art exhibits? you've got a couple of paintings back home that are really good."

yeah, why not?

that really got me thinking.

to be opinions about my paintings are as unpredictable as the weather these days. sometimes, the paintings i found at least acceptable before are now lifeless and dull. depends on my mood really. it would really take a lot of assurance from people to make me believe my artwork is worth displaying. my family and friends only have good things to say when it comes to my art. of course, they are my friends...they'd say what i want to hear. okay, so let's say these were said with the utmost sincerity... but what would my friends know? will people in the art world be able to say the same thing? i know criticism is something you should learn to face later on, especially when you're in this kind of industry. but my art is me. a negative remark about my art is like a dagger thrust to my heart, right down to the core of my being.

so that's the irony of the situation. i want to express myself through my art...yet i'm terrified of the thought of showing it to the world.

a frustrated artist-- that's what i am.